A change in life

Things have been so crazy after the break up with me and Chris.  I finally had enough of his broken promises and the issue with his zipper.  I realized I needed something better.  Someone that was going to treat me like I treated them.  And apparently Chris wasn't going to do that.  He never could decide if he really wanted to be with me or only when it suited him.  I can't deal with that and after three years I finally had enough and brought it to an end. 

I know that Chris was probably shocked that I had finally had reached my stopping point and I know that most likely his feeling were hurt even though I tried really hard not to hurt him anymore than I had to.  Because when you break up someone always get hurt.  I even tried to continued trying to be friends with him since I have known him for nearly 15 years.  But, apparently doing that was only something he wanted to do when it benefited him.  And that is not right.  And the moment he thought that I was seeing someone else, which I wasn't yet.  I had just met someone that we were just hanging out he wanted to know if that was my new play thing and such.  Why?  Because Chris wanted to know if I wanted to play around with him that night and when I told him no he wanted to get ugly.

All I got to say to all the misery that he tried to cause me and provoke me and so on is that I could have pressed harrassment charges on you-was told I could have all the emails, text messages and so on.  And maybe I am jus too nice but I didn't want to go there.  Maybe a part of me was still hoping to save a friend that had such a long history.  But, apparently Chris didn't unless he felt like he could get something out of it.  And I still say that it was pretty crappy for him to involve my ex husband which then envolved my kids knowing the history there.  But, I guess that Chris didn't care.  Three years of dealing with the lies, the deciet and putting myself after him did nothing but cause me misery that I feel like I didn't deserve. 

And about the stuff that I supposely kept due to the fact that I supposely felt like I needed to keep it.  You gave me that stuff.  You relinquished your claim to it when you sent the text message that stated "Anything of mine that you find just throw it away-I will replace it."  Plus, you didn't pay your share of the bills for the month that you were still living there.  So your court suit won't do you any good.

In the end of all of this, I feel sorry for Chris.  Because he will never truely understand what true love is.  To be loved for ones self instead of things that they have.  I loved him that way.  I didn't care that we didn't have this or that.  I just wanted to be with him and he with me.  But, I wasn't enough.  I was never enough.  I gave and gave until I couldn't give no more.  It didn't matter how much income I had coming in, from my daughter's social security, child support, food stamps or whatever, even my birthday money that my mom sent me that all went to help support me and my two kids- it was never enough.

So Chris, if you happen to read this.  I wish you enough.  I wish you enough happiness, and I wish you enough love, I hope and pray that you find what you are looking for in life.  You can be so much more in life if you only choose to be.  I am sorry that you are miserable.  I have come to learn that about you.  Until you learn to be happy with who you are, and forgive yourself for your mistakes, and learn to be happy for what you have no matter how small, you will never know true happiness.

Making History

Here we are looking at another exciting event of who the next head asshole is going to be.  But, America, there is still hope that out of these two men who are facing each other off in nothing more than a pissing contest of popularity that one may end up making a great difference in this nation who I feel is in great need of a hero.

Things are tougher now than just a short time ago.  People are having to work multiple jobs to just keep gas in their cars.  Plus who in the world would ever see the day when middle class people would also need to stand in the welfare line to get their food stamps.  This is a country in crisis.  America needs a hero, a leader, someone that will show the way to the long and forgotten true American way of life.

We have children killing children, babies having babies, and politicians robbing the poor and the rich just so that their pockets are much deeper than before.  Courts are becoming more and more blind either that are the lawyers are getting slicker than before.  We have come to a part of America that I am not so proud of.  Many of our older generations can remember a time of peace and prosperity which to me at my age seems more like a dream that someone dreamed about during a drunken stooper.

Don't get me wrong.  I love my country.  And this is why I say such things.  Because I know that these things and many more are in desperate need of being fixed.  Health care cost are out of this world and many of our fellow Americans cannot get the medicine that they need to be able to live a happy life or just to live.  I know that, as one of the many Americans without medical insurance, that I have to scramble to just come up with some money to buy some of my medicine.  I have health issues and one of the medicines that have been suggested to me I can't take due to the cost of the drug. 

This is the reason that I say that our great country is need of a hero.  Someone that is willing to stand up for what is right not because they think it will benefit someone of the rich people area.

Tonight McCain and Obama stand together wondering who is going to win this contest.  I really don't care who wins as long as they are the right man for the job.  People of America we are watching history in the making because tonight shows that there is hope for our country when a black man can run for president.  It shows that the people are ready for a change, they want someone to stand up and be accounted for.  They want a golden age for America!  Something that has not been seen in a very long time.

People want their jobs secured, their children educated, and their family members to be able to get the medical help that they need.  They are ready for history to change right before their eyes.  Either we get a black man for a president or our country be glorified and regains its honor once more.

Moving on

Sometimes things just don't pan out like you hoped that they would.  Even if this means that from the very beginning you knew that it wasn't going to last.  This is what happened to my last and most recent relationship.  But, it is a story that never ends within its self due to the fact that this ended just like all my relationships do in the end, but at las things just happen.

What am I suppose to say to someone that I know that I have helped to contribute to breaking their heart?  Even though they had done more damage to my own heart than I could or would ever do to theirs.  Can the taste that they taste be so bitter even though mine is not?

Maybe I have gotten them use to the fact that they could walk all over me and get away with it?  Hmm... need to think on this some more.  But, isn't it true that you can only beat a dog so many times before he will end up biting you in the end?  Doesn't this pretty much sum up the behavior of people in general when dealing with relationships?

I don't hate him for what he did.  Everyone makes mistakes.  I understand that.  But, after three years of trying to be understanding eventually there is a time that understanding has to lean to the side for a while.  The same old mistakes have to stop because I can't continue to say I understand after he has done them for fifth or sixth time again.  It is not fair to me or my kids to continue to be understanding when he thinks that it will do the most for him.  Maybe he never truely understood what my love was about.

Maybe he never understood that my love even though it may change in tensity it will never end.  Maybe he doesn't understand the pain that he caused me, the tears that I cried when he couldn't be faithful, or when he lied on top of lies.  Maybe he doesn't understand at all.  Maybe he never will.

Do I wish him the best?  Yes, I do.  I have no hard feelings for him or for what he has done.  He did what he did and that is all to the story.  I have to move on.  I may be limping, battered and bruised, but my head will be held high as I leave this love behind to move on with my life.

Never mind

I can't see tomorrow,
Only today with all of its pain.
How do you keep from going insane?
When you loose everything,
You thought that you had gained.

Yesterdays are happier,
When you are so tired.
You fight on uphill,
Just so you can see it spill.

Never mind what use to be,
Never mind what is,
Never mind what I thought,
Never mind what I sought.

Trust is over rated,
Way over stated.
Bleeding from every pour,
Hating it even more.

I have meant nothing,
I was never to be meant as something,
Punish me ever so severe,
As I lay here.

Never mind what use to be,
Never mind what is,
Never mind what I thought,
Never mind what I sought.
Never mind for all is lost.



original poem by Barbara Culverhouse
all permission to reproduce this poem in any way needs direct permission from the original author.

Where has the romance gone?

How long can a heart keep forgiving?  How long can it bare the pain that what was once is no more?  These questions keep running through my mind over and over again.  Is the fantasy of a good man nothing more than that?  A myth?  Something that mother's tell their daughters in fairy tales?  I have come to learn again in my life time for this to be true.

The men of my generation know nothing of honor, respect, loyalty and devotion!  There are no men like that any more.  Am I wrong in wanting a happy ending to a certain degree? Most men now days the minute life gets rough or difficult it is time for them to run.  They do not stay.  If they do it is on their terms not on the terms of the one woman's heart that they broke.

Why can't I have the cowboy that rides into the sunset or the hero that comes a running when things are at their darkest.  Can I not have something of that?  Where has the romance gone?  No more flowers, soft sweet kisses for no reason other than that I love you.  No more touches of a man's hand that brings you to your knees.  What am I to do?

When the romance is gone where do I turn?  I am loyal, honest, smart, funny, and very devoted.  But, can I stay this way knowing what is around the bend?  Can I stay when I am only needed so that he won't be lonely?  What of my heart?  Can it bleed for all of eternity?

Is my love dying when I no longer hunger for his touch due to all the deceit that he has done?  How stubborn can one be to try to turn things around when you know how the story ends?

Cheating is something that I choose not to do.  I have had it done to me too many times in the past and more recently.  But, what is a woman to do when the passion is no longer there?  When the burning becomes nothing more than a dying ember, what is a woman to do?

In the beginning there are fantasies of what was and could be?  So shattered now that they are only memories.  Is it time to end it when making love is nothing more than sex?

Where have all the good men gone?  A myth nothing more is what I am learning.  Can there be no truth to this myth?  And if there is truth to it why can't I find the myth?  Am I doomed to continue down this path of loneliness when I sleep in an occupied bed?

Where has the romance gone?

How long can a heart keep forgiving?  How long can it bare the pain that what was once is no more?  These questions keep running through my mind over and over again.  Is the fantasy of a good man nothing more than that?  A myth?  Something that mother's tell their daughters in fairy tales?  I have come to learn again in my life time for this to be true.

The men of my generation know nothing of honor, respect, loyalty and devotion!  There are no men like that any more.  Am I wrong in wanting a happy ending to a certain degree? Most men now days the minute life gets rough or difficult it is time for them to run.  They do not stay.  If they do it is on their terms not on the terms of the one woman's heart that they broke.

Why can't I have the cowboy that rides into the sunset or the hero that comes a running when things are at their darkest.  Can I not have something of that?  Where has the romance gone?  No more flowers, soft sweet kisses for no reason other than that I love you.  No more touches of a man's hand that brings you to your knees.  What am I to do?

When the romance is gone where do I turn?  I am loyal, honest, smart, funny, and very devoted.  But, can I stay this way knowing what is around the bend?  Can I stay when I am only needed so that he won't be lonely?  What of my heart?  Can it bleed for all of eternity?

Is my love dying when I no longer hunger for his touch due to all the deceit that he has done?  How stubborn can one be to try to turn things around when you know how the story ends?

Cheating is something that I choose not to do.  I have had it done to me too many times in the past and more recently.  But, what is a woman to do when the passion is no longer there?  When the burning becomes nothing more than a dying ember, what is a woman to do?

In the beginning there are fantasies of what was and could be?  So shattered now that they are only memories.  Is it time to end it when making love is nothing more than sex?

Where have all the good men gone?  A myth nothing more is what I am learning.  Can there be no truth to this myth?  And if there is truth to it why can't I find the myth?  Am I doomed to continue down this path of loneliness when I sleep in an occupied bed?

Seas of memories

I sit here with my memories
Thoughts of the past
Are as vast as the deep blue seas.
With each wave I fall back into my memories
Surrounded with endless thought of what use to be.

Reality hidden like a distant fog
Saddness like a lonely sea dog.
Tears fill my eyes of what could have been.
I hear the call as rain on a roof made of tin.

A smile spreads slowly across my face
As I imagine you here in my magical space.
Thinking of you brings pain
But also sweet release.

As I float here waiting for my peace
A call in the distance of my spoken name
Bring the land of reality.

So lonely is this baren land.
For you are not there or here with me
Again I weep like waves upon the sand
I weep for the love that will never be.

- Barbara J. Culverhouse

Mistakes

I sit here thinking of a time that seems so much farther away than it actually is.  A time of innocence or at least of what little innocence I had.  A time of entering the world as an adult and breaking away on my own.

In the result of this movement as with anyone, I made mistakes.  Some of those mistakes I have paid in full.  Others I continue to pay for along with everyone else.  Have you every heard the saying that nice guys finish last, well it can't be true.  I don't believe or atleast I am starting to believe that saying is not true at all and never will be for me.

I try to live life not hating.  I believe in the words that my mother has told me several times is that hate does nothing but take away from the one that does the hating.  Besides, even though I may not be a hard core christian I do try to live a life with certain morals and beliefs.  And one of those is not hating and love thy brother.

I will have to admit that there are certain people in my life that make it extremely hard not to hate.  Especially when they are a type of person that is good at twisting the truth in their favor and the people around them that love this person who also know their history of this person continues to fall over and over the lies and say nothing more about them except that I am to blame.

One big mistake.  A mistake that I have paid for over the years.  I don't understand why this debt has not been paid.  It was an innocent mistake.  One that was made out of love.  The sad thing is that there seems to be nothing that I can do about this mistake.  I can't make it go away, or even undo the mistake to begin with.  So I bear on as it is my burden.  How can you finish paying for a mistake that continues to hang over your head?

Got some of those new fangled eye wear thingys

I did it.  Yeppers, I finally did.  It only took the last fifteen to seventeen years to get to do it.  I got those contacts lenses like I have always wanted.  Yep, no more glasses for me all the time.  Which I will admitt is alot cheaper in the long run than for me to buy my glasses.  Once I pay for frames, lenses, the special coating that I need to help protect my eyes since I do have a history of eye problems you are looking at 3-400 dollars.  But, contacts were alot cheaper to go about.  A little less than a $100 for the eye exam, for me basically $70 for my lenses, a couple of bottles of solution and ta da! A new me for half the price.  Now doing the math it is quite simple I save basically if I count my solutions that I will need for my lenses basically I will be saving $100 bucks a year.  Well, I don't know about you but that sounds pretty darn good for me.

Currently I am in clear however, the color, as I seem to gain a more advance control over putting them in and taking them out, seem pretty darn cool too.  I might just get a pair.  Now I am just wondering, what color to get?

Will I ever be enough?

I believe that this is the most pressing of all questions that anyone can ask themselves.  But, in alot of ways I think that it is an insight into ones self when you question yourself this.  Most people ask themselves this and only a few may truely know if the answer is really yes.

I will have to admitt that this is the same question that I ask myself ever day that I get up.  Does it mean that I am doubting myself?  To a certain point I guess that I am.  But, in all fairness, I will have to admitt that I know the answer to this question.  No matter what area of life that I may ask myself this such as will I ever be enough for my family, my boyfriend, my friends etc.  Most of the time the answer is no.

Maybe it is because I am my biggest critic.  Am I smart enough, am I doing enough, do I make him happy enough.  Will enough ever be enough?  In some of these areas I know the answer will always and forever be no. 

I will never love enough, worry enough, or strive enough when it comes to being a mother.  A mother.    It just seems like yesterday that I was bringing home my oldest from the hospital.  Will I teach my children enough to live and survive in the outside world?

Don't know in that area.  But, for the rest of me, I am still a woman other than being a mother.  And in that area I know the answer even more truely.  I will never be enough.  Never pretty enough, strong enough, feminine enough, loving enough, and so on. 

Men expect the world handed to them.  I just expect the answer yes.  So will I ever be enough?  My answer to that is no.  But, I can live with it.

Andrews

Things have been really busy over the last few weeks since I was getting everyone ready to go to Andrews, TX to watch my mom graduate.  We are so proud of her.  At 53 years of age she got her college degree.  She is definetly someone to look up to for that.

Well, I survived the six hour drive there.  And I wish that I had a picture to show the look on her face when she uncovered her graduation present from everyone.  Christopher built her a chest of drawers that is absolutely beautiful.  Now she is wanting additinal pieces so that her bedroom suite will match.  LOL.  Apparently Chris did too good of a job.  LOL.

While I was there I got to see someone that I had not see in a very long time.  A couple of guys that I grew up with mother was there.  I will have to admitt she didn't look like she had changed one bit.  If only some of us could be just as lucky.

We got to talk and she told me about the guys and how they were doing.  I will  have to admitt that it really brought back alot of memories.  Mainly the memories envolving the lake that I grew up on and the houseboat that my grandmother had once owned before her passing.

I remember how B would make me laugh no matter how bad things would seem.  I remember one time my dad and grandmother were on the houseboat and we were docked and like usual they got into a big time fight.  They never saw eye to eye.  You could hear them across the whole marina, but there I was sitting up on the hill listening and on the verge of crying because I was so tired of all the fighting.  At the time we lived with my grandmother and there was always some big time fight almost every day.

I remember sitting there when B came up to me and sat next to me.  And he got me to talking.  I don't remember what we talked about just that I remember that it made me feel better.  I remember laughing at some things that he had said.  Then lets not forget the rock fight that got started once his younger brother J came up.  It was a lot of fun.

Between B and J life was most interesting.  You never knew what was going to happen and I will have to admitt that it was the happiest time of my life those long ago summers spent with them.  How I wish sometimes that I could turn back time.  And even though I cannot turn back time I will have to admitt that there have been times in my life that I wish that the guys had not moved away.  They always brought such light into my life with their smiles and mischevious ways.  Good times.

Andrews

Things have been really busy over the last few weeks since I was getting everyone ready to go to Andrews, TX to watch my mom graduate.  We are so proud of her.  At 53 years of age she got her college degree.  She is definetly someone to look up to for that.

Well, I survived the six hour drive there.  And I wish that I had a picture to show the look on her face when she uncovered her graduation present from everyone.  Christopher built her a chest of drawers that is absolutely beautiful.  Now she is wanting additinal pieces so that her bedroom suite will match.  LOL.  Apparently Chris did too good of a job.  LOL.

While I was there I got to see someone that I had not see in a very long time.  A couple of guys that I grew up with mother was there.  I will have to admitt she didn't look like she had changed one bit.  If only some of us could be just as lucky.

We got to talk and she told me about the guys and how they were doing.  I will  have to admitt that it really brought back alot of memories.  Mainly the memories envolving the lake that I grew up on and the houseboat that my grandmother had once owned before her passing.

I remember how B would make me laugh no matter how bad things would seem.  I remember one time my dad and grandmother were on the houseboat and we were docked and like usual they got into a big time fight.  They never saw eye to eye.  You could hear them across the whole marina, but there I was sitting up on the hill listening and on the verge of crying because I was so tired of all the fighting.  At the time we lived with my grandmother and there was always some big time fight almost every day.

I remember sitting there when B came up to me and sat next to me.  And he got me to talking.  I don't remember what we talked about just that I remember that it made me feel better.  I remember laughing at some things that he had said.  Then lets not forget the rock fight that got started once his younger brother J came up.  It was a lot of fun.

Between B and J life was most interesting.  You never knew what was going to happen and I will have to admitt that it was the happiest time of my life those long ago summers spent with them.  How I wish sometimes that I could turn back time.  And even though I cannot turn back time I will have to admitt that there have been times in my life that I wish that the guys had not moved away.  They always brought such light into my life with their smiles and mischevious ways.  Good times.