A change in life

Things have been so crazy after the break up with me and Chris.  I finally had enough of his broken promises and the issue with his zipper.  I realized I needed something better.  Someone that was going to treat me like I treated them.  And apparently Chris wasn't going to do that.  He never could decide if he really wanted to be with me or only when it suited him.  I can't deal with that and after three years I finally had enough and brought it to an end. 

I know that Chris was probably shocked that I had finally had reached my stopping point and I know that most likely his feeling were hurt even though I tried really hard not to hurt him anymore than I had to.  Because when you break up someone always get hurt.  I even tried to continued trying to be friends with him since I have known him for nearly 15 years.  But, apparently doing that was only something he wanted to do when it benefited him.  And that is not right.  And the moment he thought that I was seeing someone else, which I wasn't yet.  I had just met someone that we were just hanging out he wanted to know if that was my new play thing and such.  Why?  Because Chris wanted to know if I wanted to play around with him that night and when I told him no he wanted to get ugly.

All I got to say to all the misery that he tried to cause me and provoke me and so on is that I could have pressed harrassment charges on you-was told I could have all the emails, text messages and so on.  And maybe I am jus too nice but I didn't want to go there.  Maybe a part of me was still hoping to save a friend that had such a long history.  But, apparently Chris didn't unless he felt like he could get something out of it.  And I still say that it was pretty crappy for him to involve my ex husband which then envolved my kids knowing the history there.  But, I guess that Chris didn't care.  Three years of dealing with the lies, the deciet and putting myself after him did nothing but cause me misery that I feel like I didn't deserve. 

And about the stuff that I supposely kept due to the fact that I supposely felt like I needed to keep it.  You gave me that stuff.  You relinquished your claim to it when you sent the text message that stated "Anything of mine that you find just throw it away-I will replace it."  Plus, you didn't pay your share of the bills for the month that you were still living there.  So your court suit won't do you any good.

In the end of all of this, I feel sorry for Chris.  Because he will never truely understand what true love is.  To be loved for ones self instead of things that they have.  I loved him that way.  I didn't care that we didn't have this or that.  I just wanted to be with him and he with me.  But, I wasn't enough.  I was never enough.  I gave and gave until I couldn't give no more.  It didn't matter how much income I had coming in, from my daughter's social security, child support, food stamps or whatever, even my birthday money that my mom sent me that all went to help support me and my two kids- it was never enough.

So Chris, if you happen to read this.  I wish you enough.  I wish you enough happiness, and I wish you enough love, I hope and pray that you find what you are looking for in life.  You can be so much more in life if you only choose to be.  I am sorry that you are miserable.  I have come to learn that about you.  Until you learn to be happy with who you are, and forgive yourself for your mistakes, and learn to be happy for what you have no matter how small, you will never know true happiness.

Making History

Here we are looking at another exciting event of who the next head asshole is going to be.  But, America, there is still hope that out of these two men who are facing each other off in nothing more than a pissing contest of popularity that one may end up making a great difference in this nation who I feel is in great need of a hero.

Things are tougher now than just a short time ago.  People are having to work multiple jobs to just keep gas in their cars.  Plus who in the world would ever see the day when middle class people would also need to stand in the welfare line to get their food stamps.  This is a country in crisis.  America needs a hero, a leader, someone that will show the way to the long and forgotten true American way of life.

We have children killing children, babies having babies, and politicians robbing the poor and the rich just so that their pockets are much deeper than before.  Courts are becoming more and more blind either that are the lawyers are getting slicker than before.  We have come to a part of America that I am not so proud of.  Many of our older generations can remember a time of peace and prosperity which to me at my age seems more like a dream that someone dreamed about during a drunken stooper.

Don't get me wrong.  I love my country.  And this is why I say such things.  Because I know that these things and many more are in desperate need of being fixed.  Health care cost are out of this world and many of our fellow Americans cannot get the medicine that they need to be able to live a happy life or just to live.  I know that, as one of the many Americans without medical insurance, that I have to scramble to just come up with some money to buy some of my medicine.  I have health issues and one of the medicines that have been suggested to me I can't take due to the cost of the drug. 

This is the reason that I say that our great country is need of a hero.  Someone that is willing to stand up for what is right not because they think it will benefit someone of the rich people area.

Tonight McCain and Obama stand together wondering who is going to win this contest.  I really don't care who wins as long as they are the right man for the job.  People of America we are watching history in the making because tonight shows that there is hope for our country when a black man can run for president.  It shows that the people are ready for a change, they want someone to stand up and be accounted for.  They want a golden age for America!  Something that has not been seen in a very long time.

People want their jobs secured, their children educated, and their family members to be able to get the medical help that they need.  They are ready for history to change right before their eyes.  Either we get a black man for a president or our country be glorified and regains its honor once more.

Moving on

Sometimes things just don't pan out like you hoped that they would.  Even if this means that from the very beginning you knew that it wasn't going to last.  This is what happened to my last and most recent relationship.  But, it is a story that never ends within its self due to the fact that this ended just like all my relationships do in the end, but at las things just happen.

What am I suppose to say to someone that I know that I have helped to contribute to breaking their heart?  Even though they had done more damage to my own heart than I could or would ever do to theirs.  Can the taste that they taste be so bitter even though mine is not?

Maybe I have gotten them use to the fact that they could walk all over me and get away with it?  Hmm... need to think on this some more.  But, isn't it true that you can only beat a dog so many times before he will end up biting you in the end?  Doesn't this pretty much sum up the behavior of people in general when dealing with relationships?

I don't hate him for what he did.  Everyone makes mistakes.  I understand that.  But, after three years of trying to be understanding eventually there is a time that understanding has to lean to the side for a while.  The same old mistakes have to stop because I can't continue to say I understand after he has done them for fifth or sixth time again.  It is not fair to me or my kids to continue to be understanding when he thinks that it will do the most for him.  Maybe he never truely understood what my love was about.

Maybe he never understood that my love even though it may change in tensity it will never end.  Maybe he doesn't understand the pain that he caused me, the tears that I cried when he couldn't be faithful, or when he lied on top of lies.  Maybe he doesn't understand at all.  Maybe he never will.

Do I wish him the best?  Yes, I do.  I have no hard feelings for him or for what he has done.  He did what he did and that is all to the story.  I have to move on.  I may be limping, battered and bruised, but my head will be held high as I leave this love behind to move on with my life.

Never mind

I can't see tomorrow,
Only today with all of its pain.
How do you keep from going insane?
When you loose everything,
You thought that you had gained.

Yesterdays are happier,
When you are so tired.
You fight on uphill,
Just so you can see it spill.

Never mind what use to be,
Never mind what is,
Never mind what I thought,
Never mind what I sought.

Trust is over rated,
Way over stated.
Bleeding from every pour,
Hating it even more.

I have meant nothing,
I was never to be meant as something,
Punish me ever so severe,
As I lay here.

Never mind what use to be,
Never mind what is,
Never mind what I thought,
Never mind what I sought.
Never mind for all is lost.



original poem by Barbara Culverhouse
all permission to reproduce this poem in any way needs direct permission from the original author.

Where has the romance gone?

How long can a heart keep forgiving?  How long can it bare the pain that what was once is no more?  These questions keep running through my mind over and over again.  Is the fantasy of a good man nothing more than that?  A myth?  Something that mother's tell their daughters in fairy tales?  I have come to learn again in my life time for this to be true.

The men of my generation know nothing of honor, respect, loyalty and devotion!  There are no men like that any more.  Am I wrong in wanting a happy ending to a certain degree? Most men now days the minute life gets rough or difficult it is time for them to run.  They do not stay.  If they do it is on their terms not on the terms of the one woman's heart that they broke.

Why can't I have the cowboy that rides into the sunset or the hero that comes a running when things are at their darkest.  Can I not have something of that?  Where has the romance gone?  No more flowers, soft sweet kisses for no reason other than that I love you.  No more touches of a man's hand that brings you to your knees.  What am I to do?

When the romance is gone where do I turn?  I am loyal, honest, smart, funny, and very devoted.  But, can I stay this way knowing what is around the bend?  Can I stay when I am only needed so that he won't be lonely?  What of my heart?  Can it bleed for all of eternity?

Is my love dying when I no longer hunger for his touch due to all the deceit that he has done?  How stubborn can one be to try to turn things around when you know how the story ends?

Cheating is something that I choose not to do.  I have had it done to me too many times in the past and more recently.  But, what is a woman to do when the passion is no longer there?  When the burning becomes nothing more than a dying ember, what is a woman to do?

In the beginning there are fantasies of what was and could be?  So shattered now that they are only memories.  Is it time to end it when making love is nothing more than sex?

Where have all the good men gone?  A myth nothing more is what I am learning.  Can there be no truth to this myth?  And if there is truth to it why can't I find the myth?  Am I doomed to continue down this path of loneliness when I sleep in an occupied bed?

Where has the romance gone?

How long can a heart keep forgiving?  How long can it bare the pain that what was once is no more?  These questions keep running through my mind over and over again.  Is the fantasy of a good man nothing more than that?  A myth?  Something that mother's tell their daughters in fairy tales?  I have come to learn again in my life time for this to be true.

The men of my generation know nothing of honor, respect, loyalty and devotion!  There are no men like that any more.  Am I wrong in wanting a happy ending to a certain degree? Most men now days the minute life gets rough or difficult it is time for them to run.  They do not stay.  If they do it is on their terms not on the terms of the one woman's heart that they broke.

Why can't I have the cowboy that rides into the sunset or the hero that comes a running when things are at their darkest.  Can I not have something of that?  Where has the romance gone?  No more flowers, soft sweet kisses for no reason other than that I love you.  No more touches of a man's hand that brings you to your knees.  What am I to do?

When the romance is gone where do I turn?  I am loyal, honest, smart, funny, and very devoted.  But, can I stay this way knowing what is around the bend?  Can I stay when I am only needed so that he won't be lonely?  What of my heart?  Can it bleed for all of eternity?

Is my love dying when I no longer hunger for his touch due to all the deceit that he has done?  How stubborn can one be to try to turn things around when you know how the story ends?

Cheating is something that I choose not to do.  I have had it done to me too many times in the past and more recently.  But, what is a woman to do when the passion is no longer there?  When the burning becomes nothing more than a dying ember, what is a woman to do?

In the beginning there are fantasies of what was and could be?  So shattered now that they are only memories.  Is it time to end it when making love is nothing more than sex?

Where have all the good men gone?  A myth nothing more is what I am learning.  Can there be no truth to this myth?  And if there is truth to it why can't I find the myth?  Am I doomed to continue down this path of loneliness when I sleep in an occupied bed?

Seas of memories

I sit here with my memories
Thoughts of the past
Are as vast as the deep blue seas.
With each wave I fall back into my memories
Surrounded with endless thought of what use to be.

Reality hidden like a distant fog
Saddness like a lonely sea dog.
Tears fill my eyes of what could have been.
I hear the call as rain on a roof made of tin.

A smile spreads slowly across my face
As I imagine you here in my magical space.
Thinking of you brings pain
But also sweet release.

As I float here waiting for my peace
A call in the distance of my spoken name
Bring the land of reality.

So lonely is this baren land.
For you are not there or here with me
Again I weep like waves upon the sand
I weep for the love that will never be.

- Barbara J. Culverhouse